all songs were performed, recorded, mixed and mastered by austin may in the living room of a one bedroom apartment in west des moines, iowa during january and febraury (of a bitter cold winter) of 2008. all songs were written by austin may and published © 2008 “it’s too late to change” music (bmi).

tests and trials

there are no facts to back me up this time / it's all instinct and assumptions / the tests and trials may show otherwise / this a priori decision's from my heart / these ties won't break / this knot's too tight to unravel / your make up is wearing off / but that won't deter me / and what makes me think the songs that i write / would make any girl fall for me / my memory is still a blur / but my conscience is almost clean / this holiday i'll confess it all / but don't be shocked if i don't open my eyes / i think i've seen a ghost oh wait / it's just my reflection in your glassy eyes / but that's not me that's not who / i want to be i haven't sunk that low or have i / this bond won't break / these elements are one / at times like this we know we'll make up / for any days we've missed / we'll reset the clocks to fall of two years ago / and walk a more convincing line

proof of existence

a year has passed in the blink of an eye / and you find yourself waving goodbye / to the girl you've known for so long / nothing's changed but it feels so wrong / a distance greater than ever before / so tell yourself you're going to see her more / but she's all you've got so don't let loose / of the hand that's untied your noose / you don't even know why you're alive / killing time is all you can ever do / your proof of existence is just a detail / you sing yourself the same lament / to help you relive the moment / but you sing so deep and sincere / you hope to god no one hears / your apartment it echoes back / to the tune of your dim lights fading black / you wake up to another day / just another anonymous day / how much longer will you wait to escape / a numbing job just to scrape by each day / one more year you'll be out without a doubt / and you think that you will be so happy / sometimes you have to be lost to find out where you’re really going / sometimes you have to be lost to find out where you’re really going

anniversary song

one year is approaching / it's less than one week away / knowing that this was my idea / still doesn't make me feel okay / i can't help but wonder / what the hell was this for / i guess about as much / as anything is ever for / so i'll deny this and everything / and i'll hide my face and my true feelings / it's all i can do to stop from thinking about her or anyone / what's so much more depressing that the fact that it's over / is that we put it off for so for so long / everything i sang was a lie but everything already is / there's no truth in this bleak and lonely world / so i'll cover up my eyes with this hair that just won't grow fast enough / and i'll suffocate myself trading oxygen for smoke

i am so willing

there’s so much pressure to make you happy and make you proud / it’s nothing personal but i’ve made a decision to not turn around / this is my curse for better or for worse / and you may think i've made the biggest mistake of my life / but i but i am not you / but i but i am not you / it's not your life to decide what to do / so don't ever tell me that i could be so much more than this / if the purpose of our lives is to make life easier for future generations / then i think it's safe to say that my life will have no purpose at all / and the less i remember the better then i wouldn't know what i've lost / and i'll die so peacefully in the arms of a stranger i've said to have loved / but so many people have said "hey kid you've got potential you're going to have the life" / if they knew me they'd know i'll never have the life / if they only knew me if they only knew me / and i've heard you can't get anywhere until you've hit the bottom / so i'm willing to lose it all i am so so willing / i am willing to lose it all i am so so willing / when you see me and you see how i'm living / don't forget no don't forget / that i that i am not you / that i that i am not you

please return

it's possible i'm being used but i know it's not intentional / i volunteer myself to you as often as i can / but lately I've been feeling like i don't belong here with you / and that's so uneasy to believe / especially to you / but especially to me / and although you may / not be mine i still love you / and you'll always be / my best friend for these four years / you tell me "don't feel down i still count on you" / i know i have no right to be deserving / of a compliment but that's so far from one / even if your intentions were to cheer me up / so as i drive away / i smile and waive so lifelessly / this room's so cold and dead / so early in the day / i think i sucked out all of the life / with my first step in here / and yet with the first step you take / the light is drawn out of the air / as you radiate like an angel / breathing new life in here / but it's been a while since i've seen you here / and this room so cold is slowly dying again / so please return / and bring all the life that surrounds you / and show me again / what it's like to be free / show me what it's like to be new / show me what it's like to know love / show me what it's like to have faith / show me what it's like

i'd rather not be happy

there's so much hope to be successful when we're young / we all thought "i'm going to be someone and make a difference / my dreams are so vast how can i not be important" / but as we age we realize that every hope gets shattered / like waking up from a beautiful dream to find you're still in / your deserted bed and desperately trying to recapture / the thrill of it but you can't but you can't because it's fake / and as empty as the heart of this forsaken planet / and now that we're older i'll write another chapter in this already blank book / and now that we're older i'll write another chapter in this already blank book / and i've tried oh god i've tried to talk to people and make new friends / but they all end up mere acquaintances at most but maybe deep down / that's how i want it to be and with the state of this world i think i'd rather not be / happy so sing to me sadly every time you see me smile / and if there's one thing i've learned it's death can't be much worse than this / and if there's one thing i've learned it's death can't be much worse than this

'tis the season

'tis the season to rejoice / the love in our family's voice / 'tis the season to give and share / with lives not quite as fair / 'tis the season to spend with friends / to laugh and make amends / 'tis the season to remember / her / but our christmas always comes about a week too early / and we're spending new year's with immediate family / we could change this but we both choose not to / we'd rather wait until our lives are busy with much to do / but december's not the same it's too cold without you / and january takes too long while the year is still new / they say distance makes the heart grow fonder / but these holidays make me wonder why i still bother

taking interest

now that we're so apart i feel like you're pulling / i was wrong and they were right about distance it's working / i'm taking interest in what you love best / i'm saving every dime for when you are mine / i'm planning to tie the knot and proceed as lovers ought / i'm waiting to take you hand and proclaim you my love at the stand

a letter to you

what makes it oh so hard to write this letter to claim / that i'm on the verge of surrendering / to the gods of love and complacency / is that two weeks ago i thought you were the one / and now that memory and hope slowly fade / of a flawless world where we'd lead the way / you'd be my queen and i'd be your king / when we'd cite our vows so honestly / but if we wait till may this dream will not remain / and in it's place our desolate campaigns / so now i start that letter to you / i begin "contrary to what i've said before / i don't want to change i don't want to beg / i don't want to force anything / i just want you to take me as is / i'm not perfect but no one is / but if you'd open your eyes and clear the fog from your mind / and forget the big picture of being successful / and take a long look around then you might see what you need / i'm not saying that it's me but have you looked / because you've already made a name of yourself / and it will stay with me through all else / so if you'd please forget our uneasy past / maybe you'd see what i see a love that will last / but you've grown on me i'm sure i've grown on you too / i'm not prepared to say goodbye so soon"

no one to talk to

i want to hold you closer than you've ever been held before / i want to lay down all your fears of commitment and more / i want to be the one you look to when you're feeling lonely / but there's only so much one man can accomplish solely / it takes two to tango won't you please help and lead me / i don't mean to sound so desperate but i'm running on e / i guess all there's left to do is sit back and wait oh wait / waiting never fixed anything until it's already too late / i want to hold you closer than you've ever been held before / i want to be held in your eyes as someone who is still pure / i want to lay down all your fears of commitment and more / i want to lay down in your bed with you but you're no whore / oh who am i kidding / this is not working / i've never felt so alone / i've always been so prone / to give every bit / to make myself fit / but where do i fit in with your friends and plans / but where do i fit in with these awkward hands / but where do i fit in with all my fake bands / but where do i fit in with no real demands / oh no i don't / oh no i don't / oh keep drinking to pass the time / keep drinking more whiskey or wine / keep drinking to pass the time / keep drinking more whiskey or wine / college has left me with no one and so unprepared / i've always wanted to be out but now that i am i am so scared / memories of dorm rooms and making out with girls i once cared / and faces i'll never see again all the times we shared / this is my last song about you you fall in love so easily / one more month and you will forget all about me / so many times i wanted to rid myself of you / and now that it's happening there's nothing i can do oh / and hearing about your new love directly is depressing me / especially since my new love was just being friendly / so now every one i've known is gone but my family / and there's no one to talk to about my problems but me / so i'll tell it to myself and i'll listen patiently / so i'll tell it to myself and i'll listen patiently / so i'll tell it to myself and i'll listen patiently / so i'll tell it to myself and i'll listen patiently

the start of my real life

i am alone but i am finally free / from all that had no use in being taught to me / i can now decide what to do / on my own i can now be who / i want to be / this is the last night i will ever spend here / under these circumstances that i may never hold dear / it is possible i will return / for a night to show them all i learned / without fear / this town brought out the worst in everything / that i said to all my friends without ever thinking / although some never meant that much / they're all i had to go through such / a longing / as this final night is finally getting low / it's no coincidence i'm turning one year older i know / alone is not the best way to spend / your birthday but i'll pretend it's tomorrow / i'll pretend it's tomorrow /it's the start it's the start / it's the start it's the start it's the start it's the start / of my real life

a recurring dream

keep drinking no keep sleeping / pull the covers over your face / and lie here as long as possible / delay facing anyone because you don't know / you don't know what you've done / but you can guess that it was wrong and it was low and it was typical / why am i always the drunkest one time after time after time / why can't i just act civil for once in my life / i thought the worst was over / and for the most part it is / but i'm finding out i fall back / on my old ways too easily

you can't take all my pain away

but for now half my grocery list is for liquor and cigarettes / and for now half my day is spent unconscious in my bed / and for now half my memories are too painful to forget / and for now half my thoughts are fixed dreaming of my death / and for now i'll decide to live if you can call this life / and for now in case i change my mind i'll keep my sharpest knife / you can't take all my pain away but i can / you can't take all my pain away but i can / you can't take all my pain away but i can / you can't take all my pain away

take me for granted

i am a thief i'll steal the joy from your life in one week / i'm made of stone i'll watch you leave and i won't say don't go / i'm a crashed car i'm broken down and i won't get far / i'm a time bomb i'm not okay even if i seem calm / and i'm not afraid to die today / but i can't decide between pills and a dive / take me for granted i'm alone on this planet / i've got no one to see if you hurt or ignore me / take me for granted take my life you can have it / i'll be yours to control just tell me what to do and how so

neptune or saturn

even though lying has become like second nature to me / i still want to vomit when i hear someone say so proudly / that they have no regrets about how they lived their life / and they still remember the first day they met their husband or wife / i try not to talk to anyone about anything i think / but it always happens every fucking time i drink / and then i talk too much about things i know too little of / and i throw around big words like depression suicide and love / where can i find out about living conditions on neptune or saturn / is it a good place to live if your life has no pattern / is the population there slowly dying or already dead / will anybody look at me or say "kid you're fucked up in the head"

life is beautiful

i'm done with all my self pity and self destruction / i'm done with all my self loathing and selfishness / my eyes are open wide for the first time in years / an overcast and dreary day never seemed so blinding / sometimes it takes the loss of a loved one to see how precious we all are / and you try not to cry but it's so hard saying goodbye / you've got to show the world you're / strong enough to accept / and move on

in my car

and as i close my eyes out in front of me / the rain blurs the scenery / and i'm in my car on that same road / that winding dark and unknown road / and a tractor's parked out in front of me / as the rain beats down chaotically / so i tap the breaks to slow my car / it doesn't work i've gone to far / i jam the pedal i start to swerve / my limbs go numb and i lose my nerve / and a second before the impact occurs / my mind races am i done for / is there life after death a heaven and hell / reincarnation or nothing to tell / i brace for the crash i say goodbye / but i'm back in my bed when i open my eyes

the last song i will ever write

what can i say to my best friend / i'm staring at my phone but i can't hit send / i know his pain is so much worse than mine / but i don't give a fuck i'm selfish all the time / and i'm so sick of all this bullshit about a better place / when i know death at best is endless empty space / and this may be the last song i ever write / because i can't cope with this tonight

mistakes and heartaches

i'd meet you after work at your favorite bar / we'll share some drinks and talk all night long / but i know you wouldn't like / or recognize me anymore / you'll tell me that i've changed but i'll lie and say / it's the world that's changed no i'm still the same / as i smoke myself to death trying to look cool / but it won't impress you / i'll black and pass out but when i do come to / my car's back on the street and somehow i'm alive / so you wonder why i stay in bed all day / i'm too embarrassed to face all my mistakes / and my heart aches and the pain / won't go away so i'll hide / everything inside and deny / all my mistakes and my heart

montana (believe in love)

i'm not punk and i'm not hard i just want to be ignored / no one seems to understand what that means / and all the drugs that i take never get me where i want / having no place to go is not a good reason to stay / and it's like this / and it's like this / and it's like this / everyday / i think i'll move to montana i hear it's nice and lonely there / i'll buy a ranch and dog to carry out my days / i'll change my name when i get there so no one knows who i've been / and all my friends and family will completely forget me / i think i want that / i think i want that / i think i want that / but i don't know / i need to find some meaning fast i'm out of lies to tell myself / it's getting worse everyday waking up is meaningless / but i've heard that love's the key to a blinding happiness / well i'd rather see the truth besides i don't believe in love / believe in love / i've tried to open up but i tried too hard / i've loved but just enough to turn my heart cold / i've smiled but happiness is just a weakness / i've learned that all you need is within you / i've lied about everything / and i've faked every emotion / i think i'll move to montana

halloween

you called me up and you couldn't stop talking about your day about today / i said "that's great but how can you tell if you're dead maybe this is hell" / i love the silence that that comment brought you said how can you say that at all / but it's so easy when reality and dreams are the same / my friends all thing that i'm a liar oh well who needs friends / they can't understand at all what it's like to never know anything / i can't help if i only see the dark it's just always there / and go ahead and embarrass me again about my dreams / i'm too tired to sleep / i'm a walking ghost / i'm too think to eat / i'm a skeleton / i'm too sad to cry / i'm a soulless mime / i'm too dead to die / i'm a fucking zombie / so for halloween this year / i'll dress up as myself / but i won't go anywhere / it's too hard when no one cares / and i'm making a brand new plan / to ditch every friend i have / i'll stop answering my phone / i'm better off alone / but i know it will never work / i only want what i don't have / they'll still call me on the phone / and beg me to come and hang out

someone to look up to

the air has turned to ice again / and all our lies are frozen / we act ourselves when we don't care / we act ourselves when no one's there / the light is a drug that we all take / it thaws out our hearts from all the hate / we put on a mask when we give in / we put on a mask to fit in / everyone's looking for someone to look up to / everyone's trying to find one to be just like

live all alone

i've been lying to myself so much that i almost forgot my own name / and when it all comes back to me the only thing i think or feel is shame / and if it's all just memories then joy is no different than pain / but no one really understands so i won't even try to explain / so let yourself go / and sell everything you own / and run away from home / and live all alone / i've been trying to hold down a job but weight is starting to crush my legs / and possessions only tie you down to the bills that you're forced to pay / so i'll give up on this life i've built and get away from all of my mistakes / and i'll quietly pack my bags and secretly plan my big escape / so take the next road / to maine or mexico / and forget all you know / and live all alone

art is dead

the rain's unstoppable today / they're calling for snow but not today / the sun is cowering deep in the sky / even stars can lose their will to shine / and i'm unraveling i'm falling apart / i want to believe that music is art / my throat is burning through a coughing fit / i'll quit smoking when i give a shit / and i'm not going to let this be another setback / and i'm not going to take advice from anybody / and i'm not going to call my friends and tell them i fucked up / and i'm not going to give up yet i'm still too young i guess / the clouds are fading and clearing out / spring is almost here to blind our doubt / the plants are blooming and growing leaves / life begins again when everything's green / it's matt who told me what stephen said / art is old and useless art is dead / so i'll get a real job and cut my hair / and convince my boss to think i care / and i'm not going to live in the past with all these failures / and i'm not going to let my heart control my body or mind / and i'm not going to tell my new friends about my old dreams / and i'm not going to be a fool i will never win this fight

happy (not anymore)

i wanted to show them that i was happy but i'm not anymore / i've been waiting for this collapse and thank god it's finally here / being on all the time was so suffocating / six months of progress and self improvement have been washed away for good / and it feels good to finally be myself again / so don't expect me to return your calls / being selfish is a full time job / it's never felt so right being drunk and alone / i can't even name one thing that i like / and i'd have it no other way / there are words i used to know / there's a girl whose heart i broke / there was a city on the lake / there were plans i tried to make

what will become

hiding in the bedroom of my parents house in the countryside / smoking cigarettes while they're asleep / i've tried to move out several times but i fall apart and come back here / to relive my childhood all again / but my parents now are divorced my mom moved out in the fall / so now it's just me and my dad / and memories of a better life of baseball cards and science books / but the optimism of youth is gone / i've tried alleviate the pain of everything that's past / with drugs and alcohol and playing guitar / and like this house i'm empty all my good ideas have long moved out / and the walls just echo through the night / and oh what has become of love and happiness / and oh what will become of this old farmhouse / and oh what has become of hope and ambition / and oh what will become of these fields of corn